Her Story: I Believe! Why am I Still so Afraid?

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession…
I Peter 2:9 (ESV)

Almost two years have passed since a judge signed the papers . . . and every promise was broken. Nearly 20 years of marriage, just over. And now, I’m divorced.

Just saying that still makes me want to weep.

There have been few things in my life as unwanted as the breaking of my family. Or as frightening as the uncertainties it ushers into each day. When he left, I kept life as normal as possible for my three kids—the youngest was barely 10, the older two almost 14 and 16. But fear stalked me. Worries taunted me.

My kids will never be the same. Will they ever trust again? I failed them. Will they run from God? This will change how they see everything for the rest of their lives. Will they succumb to anxiety or anger or unforgiveness or addiction or depression or . . . or . . . or . . . ?

Fear tightened its grip with every tear that fell.

There was fear with every “first” they went through once he was gone, every suspect swing of their moods, every unanswered question, every new disappointment.

On the surface, I pushed through the rising panic. But my soul bared my agonies to my Savior.

“God, I never wanted them to know this kind of brokenness and betrayal. I never wanted this life for them. God, YOU never wanted this for them. It’s not your design. Help them! Please, God.”

I waged war with my worry, arming myself with His promises. Wielding them against my fears, in a battle for peace.

But fear held its ground. Why couldn’t I defeat it?

Lord, You promise to love us and never forsake us. You promise to let nothing separate us from You. You promise to work all things for our good. You promise to protect and provide for us. And I believe you. I believe all that You have said. Every. last. promise. So, God, why am I still so afraid?

I wondered, was my faith too small?

The possibility stopped me in my tracks. If it was true . . . what would I do? I already believed with all my heart. I didn’t know how to believe more. Grief overwhelmed me. And in the stillness of my sorrow, God was waiting.

He stepped into my heartache, gently reminding me who He is:

“…for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me…saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose…” (Excerpts from Isaiah 46:9-10, ESV).

Patiently reminding me how He works:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9, ESV).

Lovingly reminding me who I am:

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession…” (I Peter 2:9, ESV)

Carefully reminding me of my life’s purpose:

“For by {Jesus} all things were created…all things were created through him and for him.” (Excerpts from Colossians 1:16, ESV).

Tenderly reminding me what to do:

“Be still, and know that I am God…” (Psalm 46:10, NIV).

Gentle reminders of fundamental truths I had forgotten, because I was fixated on His promises. I was focused on what He could do for me—rather than on who He is.

As those truths settled over me, fear’s grip began to slip. The heaviness fell from my shoulders as I remembered . . .

This life is not my own.
I am not here to try to build the perfect earthly experience for my kids or rescue them from the brokenness of this fallen world. Click To Tweet

I am called to be faithful in my walk with God. Period. And it’s no different for my children.

Their lives are not their own, and they are not mine. They are solely His. And they too are called to walk faithfully with Him down whatever path He leads, no matter how rocky.

He is faithful. I trust Him with their eternal souls. So, I can certainly trust Him to take them through whatever hardship this life has to offer.

My peace wasn’t found in His promises…it was found in His presence. My hope wasn’t found in what He does, but in who He is. Click To Tweet

My rescue came in the remembering.

Reflection Questions

Are you wrestling with fear today? Which verse listed speaks to that fear?

Are you afraid your faith is too small because you believe, but still you don’t have peace? Spend time in silent prayer today, allowing God to speak. Sister, be still and know He is God. Let the truth of who He is pull you from the chaos and place you in His presence . . . where peace persists.

 

Prayer

Heavenly Father, when this life wounds our children and the brokenness of this world leaves us spinning, fear so easily rushes over us. When anxiety rises, Lord, help us find rescue in remembering: You are God. Our lives belong to you. You are faithful. We hold to your promises, but You alone are our peace. Help us to remember that our relief will not be found in what You do. Our rest lies wholly in who You are. Because You, oh God, are God…and that is enough. Amen.

6 thoughts on “Her Story: I Believe! Why am I Still so Afraid?

Jodie

“My rescue came in the remembering.” Dana, I can so relate to these words. I felt the same when my son died. I had to remember WHO God was. It is still there that I rest. Thank you for sharing your story. Your courage inspires me. Your faith in Him- beautiful.

Reply

    Dana

    Jodie, Thank you for your kind words. I have to remind myself to remember every day or I can so easily slip right back into the chaos of fear. But even when I do, for a time, He is always here…waiting for me to settle back into His presence.

    Reply

Cindy Krall

I cried the first (and second) time I read this Dana. Even though each of us face different circumstance your story is so relatable. “My hope wasn’t found in what He does, but who He is.” So. Very. Powerful. Thank you for sharing your story friend!

Reply

    Dana

    I cry every time I read it, Cindy. And I do reread it to refocus myself. Our hearts can so easily get wound up in hurt and our eyes so easily pulled away from Him. That’s why I find it so important to continually surround myself with reminders of who He is…by staying in the Word, listening to worship music, constantly remaining in a position of prayer, etc. Such a needy people we are…but such a good, faithful God He is!

    Reply

Donna Tovey

Tears of heartache, tears of endearment for you and your children and grace and faithfulness from the one who LOVES you most … Jesus Christ. Dana, your words are powerful and certainly from your heart and I am so very thankful that you are being used to enlighten someone else’s path and journey. You will never know the impact that you are instilling in others but no doubt that your wisdom, truth and faith are evident in all of your writings. I love ‘I am called to be faithful in my walk with God. Period! And it’s no different for my children.’ You are loved and admired and I appreciate your willingness to share your story and journey as you are the only one that can do just that. Blessings and love to you.

Reply

    Dana

    Donna, your words are too kind. Thank you for your encouragement! It means so much.

    Reply

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